Perspectives: Understanding Fairness

The current US debate on the use of torture, what it is, and when or IF it is ever appropriate, demonstrates the differences that exist in how we make decisions. The torture issue involves the same questions as war, the death penalty, law and judgment. It is less about what is humane and more about understanding fairness.

A teacher gives an assignment in school and explains what is expected and when it is due. He also explains that any late papers will be docked a grade for every day it is late. When due date comes a student asks the teacher for extra time because of a family emergency, to which he agrees, but explains that it will be lowered a grade for every day it is late.

When one of a team’s players tests positive for steroids before a playoff game, the team is forced to forfeit its entire season according to the league’s no tolerance policy.

A 19 year old university student who had sexual relations with a 17 year old is charge with statutory rape.

An illegal alien (I guess now called “immigrants without documentation” by those who have a POOR understanding of English) who had been living and working in the country for 5 years, is now married and involved in the community, is seized by officials and immediately deported.

A doctor driving home drunk from a company Christmas party, hits another car and the driver is killed. It is the doctor’s first offense and is charged and given the maximum sentence of 20 years in prison in accordance with the local laws.
Would the execution of the above be considered fair or unfair? How was it determined?

Fairness is about following the laws without prejudice. Therefore the people are protected by law instead of arbitrary judgment. A policemen tops you and charges you for speeding, but cannot provide proof, or refuses to show the measured speed on the radar. The judge denies the charge. Few would disagree that this was a fair judgment.

However, is fairness based on the same judgment when the result is less favorable?
In each of the above, the law/regulation was set and known, each were guilty, and the penalties/judgment given according to those laws. Since the result is less favorable, does that make it less fair? To not attribute the penalty to the offense, to “give them a break,” would actually be UNFAIR according to the definition, which when it benefits is called mercy.

Those who list the above as FAIR make decisions that are just and detached. Those who believe any of the above to be UNFAIR tend to make decisions that are sympathetic and involved. There lies the difference. Meyers-Briggs labels the first group as THINKERS and the second as FEELERS.

Although neither is all right or wrong, thinkers view justice through logic while Feelers through emotions. This difference goes a long way in explaining the divide between most judgments based actions such as war, penalties, and the use of torture. It even explains the differences between Conservatives and Liberals at least in the US.

Those who base their decisions on fact and figures regardless of emotional reaction seek out thinking decision-makers and supporters. These decisions are more about right vs. wrong, best vs. worst, and view pain and suffering as a negative consequence of a justified and necessary action. In fact, in most cases, pain and suffering is the responsibility of the offending party, rather than those who execute the action (in terms of the death penalty, violators force state action).

Those who explain their decisions more about emotion and less about logically seek out more sympathetic voices, which is why groups like Affirmative Action, ACLU, NAACP, and the Teacher’s Union lean more liberal. Thinkers view mercy then as a benefit, while Feelers see it as a right. These decisions are about feelings, pain and suffering, and consequence and view the negative not the responsibility of the offender, but of the executor (in terms of death penalty, violators are victims of state action).

It should be noted that THINKERS and FEELERS can come to the same conclusion. It isn’t the answer that makes the difference but the process.

In terms of “Torture” (whether you consider loud music, caterpillars, and cold floors torture or not), thinkers will consider the cost versus the return (pain of enemy vs. saving American lives), and balance that with the responsibility of the offender who choose to attack the US. The Feeler will consider how they would feel if THEY were the ones being tortured and balance that with responsibility of the victim defending themselves against a US aggressor.

Can you guess what type of decision-maker is the UN?

When approaching these types of decisions, it is important for those involved to first determine an agreed upon definition of fairness before making judgment or distributing mercy.

The Games Women Play: The Appeasement Approach Part 2

What started out as a simple conversation over breakfast finds you spending the night on the couch. Your earlier jovial attitude has out of nowhere now turned to rage and you wonder how in God’s name your parents lasted so long.

These are the ups and downs any relationship, however they are intentional in the appeasement approach taking advantage of the principle that those who are strong take responsibility in the relationship when the other is not. The sly gamer assumes the weaker role in attempts to get the other to approach in appeasement which is normally good conflict management, but in the game, it is counter-productive manipulation.

Why do they do it? Dare I assume the mind of a female? There are many reasons that have been mentioned, insecurity of the relationship, lack of self-confidence, needing attendance, or simply boredom. But for now, it’s less important why, but understanding what.

The first step is recognizing the game.

The appeasement approach, used in the context of conflict, is a series of levels each intended to illicit submission. Like torture, the more resistance the more intense the pain.

Let’s say, you and your better half start a discussion which suddenly turns into an argument and the games begin. Depending on how “stubborn” or “tolerant” you are, here are the stages you’ll experience:

1. Denial
Withdrawal makes the heart grow fonder. She’ll start of by stopping, shutting down, taking things away. This can be observed as the short one-word answers, the dreaded silent treatment, or the removal of physical contact. It is the first signal that you did something wrong and are expected to find out what. If not, then you cause the next…..

2. Crying
“Real men don’t cry,” but more, don’t can’t stand it when their women do. For some men, this is pure torture. It may start out as a pout, a whine a complaint, but then can turn into shouting and actually crying. This is a favourite ploy in public for your 4 year old. If it worked on her parents, it should work on her man. You may have had the endurance or ignorance to last through denial, but only an insensitive jerk would make a girl cry. But sometimes jerks we are, so the game goes to another level.

3. Repetition
Still trying to win, the strategy of this stage is to just wear him down by repeating the complaint endlessly until he just gives in. The sly gamer may say the same thing, or say it in different words. Either way it is a continuous barrage of darts sent regardless of your answers. What makes this so frustrating, is that while you’re trying to solve the rationally solve the problem, for her, if you continue, now YOU are the problem and causes stage 4.

4. Distraction
Ever get into an argument and find yourself in a completely different area than where you started? It started by choosing which movie you wanted to see and now you’re defending yourself about something you supposedly said about her mother 2 months ago. This is the “What does that have to do with anything?” part of the fight, changing the argument from the topic she was losing, to something she can hold you to. This is also what turns a simple problem-solution 2 minute talk to a 3 hour drag out fight. This usually entails a combination of crying and repetition, but if you continue to stay rational, you’re obviously not listening at all and need some help, so….

5. Attack
This is a more advanced form of the distraction. There is where the rubber hits the road, the final straw, where they pull out all the stops. You’ve ignored her on every stage thus far and therefore she needs to know if you’re still alive and involved in the relationship. She knows you well, your buttons and hot points. This is where intimacy is scary, because now it can and will be used against you. Her intention is to hit you where it hurts. And when she wields that knife, it hurts, it’s supposed to. It’s designed to get a reaction. And if you don’t, then it time for the…

6. Chase
….and now, she’s gone. She’s left, but I’m sure not without another zinger, a finger, one last gesture of displeasure. She’s left the room, maybe left the house altogether. But as the door slams behind her, careful, don’t start celebrating your survival, or breathing a sigh of relief. Although it appears to be over, it’s still a part of the game. Remember, every step here is about getting you to approach. And as crazy as it seems, the same is expected here.

A couple had a fight which ended up with the girlfriend leaving. Before she got to the door, he grabbed her arm and asked her to stay give it one more try. She said no. So he let her go. Door slammed. End of discussion. End of relationship. It was clear, and regardless of how he felt, there’s no point in saving a sinking ship. A few days later he met her girlfriend who blamed HIM for ending the relationship. He explained to her that SHE left. Then she explained to him, that I LET her leave. Apparently after she slammed the door, she waited by the elevator for a few moments, then went to the parking lot and waited by her car.

It’s not over. Maybe she rolled to the other side of the bed, stormed into the other room, or even left the building. That’s not the end of the argument, that is the start of the chase. She is expecting you to be her knight in shining armour to come to her aid, comfort her, hold her, tell her it’s okay. Yes, she just offended you to the Nth degree, blew through your limits, but if you REALLY loved her…..

There you go, that is the game.

I’ve talked to women in many different cultures, and although there are subtle differences, it’s been found to be generally the same.

Of course not every woman plays the game, but when you find yourself completely turned upside down, you’re probably caught up into it.

Now that you have the map, next time, we’ll look at examples how this plays out.

The Games Women Play: The Appeasement Approach Part 1

The world of dating and relationships is a lot of strategy, movement and coercion as we seek to find ourselves, our mates, our satisfaction, while at the same time protecting our vulnerabilities to get to that ultimate place called intimacy.

In the hunt for serious relationships, I've never really understood why GAMES were so much a part of the recipe, especially if intimacy is the goal.

I once dated a girl who told me that she knew how to manipulate men. It was the beginning of our relationship, she was absolutely beautiful, strong-willed, and very confident in her abilities. She claimed that she could get men to tell her and eventually do whatever she wanted.

I told her, I doubt she could with me and feel free to try.

She smiled as if to say, let the games begin.

Of course, the relationship didn’t last, but I have to admit, it was a very good attempt. She had me absolutely confused a majority of the time. My emotions were all over the place. She had me completely out of my element. I was amazed at the limits she would go through to compete.

I once heard a theory that most women get the exact relationship they want. If what happened is not what she wanted, I don’t understand how she would’ve gotten anything else out of it.

What I got out of it was a lesson in the games women play. Maybe not all women do it, but if yours does, be careful!! :-)

I intended to show men why, if you really care about your partner, you just can’t seem to do anything right. And maybe help understand how that amazing women you fell in love with sometimes shape-shifts into this irrational emotional train-wreck propelling you to call your local exorcist.

As we begin we need to understand the Appeasement Approach . To appease means to get rid of or eliminate anger or pain, usually by concessions. In terms of relationships it means everyone ultimately wants to have a peaceful loving relationship and will appease their mate to any extent possible to keep the relationship amiable.

A strong tool in the game is to take advantage of people’s uneasiness with conflict. Displaying extreme and/or irrational emotion puts the responsibility of the relationship in the other’s hands mostly through guilt and therefore sets them up to be controlled.

Many have seen or experienced a child in a store who has been denied their immediate desire quickly resort to tantrums on the floor waiting for a prize of appeasement. To the placating parent, denying a simple candy bar is definitely not worth this embarrassment, so concessions ensue and an abusive relationship is established.

In adult relationships it gets a bit more complicated because it is no longer the risk of public embarrassment, but anger, emotional withdrawal or guilt. In an effort to be responsible and to create the best relationship possible, many adults accept the need to compromise. Some will be willing to compromise too much. In any case, it is extortion.

The abuser in this case is usually the one who is not willing to solve problems, make concessions, compromise, and talk it out. They tend to be blamers and avoid any responsibility thrown their way. In fact, in the effort to “workout” problems, the abuse only intensifies.

The communication between men and women is known to be difficult. The sly gamer will take advantage of that fact and make it incredibly difficult to realize when the problems are real or fabricated. So, if one is found out, she can always claim innocence, denial or even betrayal of her loving partner.

The game involving the Appeasement Approach is a series of levels designed to get her man to approach her in terms of appeasement. Because, when you are the one approaching, they win. "Baby, I'm sorry..I don't know why or what I did, but obviously I did something wrong and promise not to do it again."

The levels are used in succession depending on the extent of stubbornness or tolerance to pain you’re willing to endure.

Since we're in the habit now of publicizing secrets and torture techniques, next week I'll share the details of the appeasement game...if I live long enough to tell it.