What started out as a simple conversation over breakfast finds you spending the night on the couch. Your earlier jovial attitude has out of nowhere now turned to rage and you wonder how in God’s name your parents lasted so long.
These are the ups and downs any relationship, however they are intentional in the appeasement approach taking advantage of the principle that those who are strong take responsibility in the relationship when the other is not. The sly gamer assumes the weaker role in attempts to get the other to approach in appeasement which is normally good conflict management, but in the game, it is counter-productive manipulation.
Why do they do it? Dare I assume the mind of a female? There are many reasons that have been mentioned, insecurity of the relationship, lack of self-confidence, needing attendance, or simply boredom. But for now, it’s less important why, but understanding what.
The first step is recognizing the game.
The appeasement approach, used in the context of conflict, is a series of levels each intended to illicit submission. Like torture, the more resistance the more intense the pain.
Let’s say, you and your better half start a discussion which suddenly turns into an argument and the games begin. Depending on how “stubborn” or “tolerant” you are, here are the stages you’ll experience:
1. Denial
Withdrawal makes the heart grow fonder. She’ll start of by stopping, shutting down, taking things away. This can be observed as the short one-word answers, the dreaded silent treatment, or the removal of physical contact. It is the first signal that you did something wrong and are expected to find out what. If not, then you cause the next…..
2. Crying
“Real men don’t cry,” but more, don’t can’t stand it when their women do. For some men, this is pure torture. It may start out as a pout, a whine a complaint, but then can turn into shouting and actually crying. This is a favourite ploy in public for your 4 year old. If it worked on her parents, it should work on her man. You may have had the endurance or ignorance to last through denial, but only an insensitive jerk would make a girl cry. But sometimes jerks we are, so the game goes to another level.
3. Repetition
Still trying to win, the strategy of this stage is to just wear him down by repeating the complaint endlessly until he just gives in. The sly gamer may say the same thing, or say it in different words. Either way it is a continuous barrage of darts sent regardless of your answers. What makes this so frustrating, is that while you’re trying to solve the rationally solve the problem, for her, if you continue, now YOU are the problem and causes stage 4.
4. Distraction
Ever get into an argument and find yourself in a completely different area than where you started? It started by choosing which movie you wanted to see and now you’re defending yourself about something you supposedly said about her mother 2 months ago. This is the “What does that have to do with anything?” part of the fight, changing the argument from the topic she was losing, to something she can hold you to. This is also what turns a simple problem-solution 2 minute talk to a 3 hour drag out fight. This usually entails a combination of crying and repetition, but if you continue to stay rational, you’re obviously not listening at all and need some help, so….
5. Attack
This is a more advanced form of the distraction. There is where the rubber hits the road, the final straw, where they pull out all the stops. You’ve ignored her on every stage thus far and therefore she needs to know if you’re still alive and involved in the relationship. She knows you well, your buttons and hot points. This is where intimacy is scary, because now it can and will be used against you. Her intention is to hit you where it hurts. And when she wields that knife, it hurts, it’s supposed to. It’s designed to get a reaction. And if you don’t, then it time for the…
6. Chase
….and now, she’s gone. She’s left, but I’m sure not without another zinger, a finger, one last gesture of displeasure. She’s left the room, maybe left the house altogether. But as the door slams behind her, careful, don’t start celebrating your survival, or breathing a sigh of relief. Although it appears to be over, it’s still a part of the game. Remember, every step here is about getting you to approach. And as crazy as it seems, the same is expected here.
A couple had a fight which ended up with the girlfriend leaving. Before she got to the door, he grabbed her arm and asked her to stay give it one more try. She said no. So he let her go. Door slammed. End of discussion. End of relationship. It was clear, and regardless of how he felt, there’s no point in saving a sinking ship. A few days later he met her girlfriend who blamed HIM for ending the relationship. He explained to her that SHE left. Then she explained to him, that I LET her leave. Apparently after she slammed the door, she waited by the elevator for a few moments, then went to the parking lot and waited by her car.
It’s not over. Maybe she rolled to the other side of the bed, stormed into the other room, or even left the building. That’s not the end of the argument, that is the start of the chase. She is expecting you to be her knight in shining armour to come to her aid, comfort her, hold her, tell her it’s okay. Yes, she just offended you to the Nth degree, blew through your limits, but if you REALLY loved her…..
There you go, that is the game.
I’ve talked to women in many different cultures, and although there are subtle differences, it’s been found to be generally the same.
Of course not every woman plays the game, but when you find yourself completely turned upside down, you’re probably caught up into it.
Now that you have the map, next time, we’ll look at examples how this plays out.
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