25 April 2009

The Games Women Play: The Appeasement Approach Part 1


The world of dating and relationships is a lot of strategy, movement and coercion as we seek to find ourselves, our mates, our satisfaction, while at the same time protecting our vulnerabilities to get to that ultimate place called intimacy.

In the hunt for serious relationships, I've never really understood why GAMES were so much a part of the recipe, especially if intimacy is the goal.

I once dated a girl who told me that she knew how to manipulate men. It was the beginning of our relationship, she was absolutely beautiful, strong-willed, and very confident in her abilities. She claimed that she could get men to tell her and eventually do whatever she wanted.

I told her, I doubt she could with me and feel free to try.

She smiled as if to say, let the games begin.

Of course, the relationship didn’t last, but I have to admit, it was a very good attempt. She had me absolutely confused a majority of the time. My emotions were all over the place. She had me completely out of my element. I was amazed at the limits she would go through to compete.

I once heard a theory that most women get the exact relationship they want. If what happened is not what she wanted, I don’t understand how she would’ve gotten anything else out of it.

What I got out of it was a lesson in the games women play. Maybe not all women do it, but if yours does, be careful!! :-)

I intended to show men why, if you really care about your partner, you just can’t seem to do anything right. And maybe help understand how that amazing women you fell in love with sometimes shape-shifts into this irrational emotional train-wreck propelling you to call your local exorcist.

As we begin we need to understand the Appeasement Approach . To appease means to get rid of or eliminate anger or pain, usually by concessions. In terms of relationships it means everyone ultimately wants to have a peaceful loving relationship and will appease their mate to any extent possible to keep the relationship amiable.

A strong tool in the game is to take advantage of people’s uneasiness with conflict. Displaying extreme and/or irrational emotion puts the responsibility of the relationship in the other’s hands mostly through guilt and therefore sets them up to be controlled.

Many have seen or experienced a child in a store who has been denied their immediate desire quickly resort to tantrums on the floor waiting for a prize of appeasement. To the placating parent, denying a simple candy bar is definitely not worth this embarrassment, so concessions ensue and an abusive relationship is established.

In adult relationships it gets a bit more complicated because it is no longer the risk of public embarrassment, but anger, emotional withdrawal or guilt. In an effort to be responsible and to create the best relationship possible, many adults accept the need to compromise. Some will be willing to compromise too much. In any case, it is extortion.

The abuser in this case is usually the one who is not willing to solve problems, make concessions, compromise, and talk it out. They tend to be blamers and avoid any responsibility thrown their way. In fact, in the effort to “workout” problems, the abuse only intensifies.

The communication between men and women is known to be difficult. The sly gamer will take advantage of that fact and make it incredibly difficult to realize when the problems are real or fabricated. So, if one is found out, she can always claim innocence, denial or even betrayal of her loving partner.

The game involving the Appeasement Approach is a series of levels designed to get her man to approach her in terms of appeasement. Because, when you are the one approaching, they win. "Baby, I'm sorry..I don't know why or what I did, but obviously I did something wrong and promise not to do it again."

The levels are used in succession depending on the extent of stubbornness or tolerance to pain you’re willing to endure.

Since we're in the habit now of publicizing secrets and torture techniques, next week I'll share the details of the appeasement game...if I live long enough to tell it.

3 comments:

Bella said...

Interesting post. Out of curiosity, why the word games? Could it be instead, "The Ways in which Women Protect Themselves?" Just a thought!

Jaymes said...

the word GAmes is used, because it is a strategy with a competitive outcome. Basically, who can outlast who. Although, most of the time, the men don't realize they are playing.

Protection? that's an interesting perspective. I'm not sure exactly how it protects, but I'm open to the explanation.

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